Troy's Times - November 2007
Hi Friend! (Some ch^racters in th1s newsletter have been altered to keep it from being filtered out as spam) IN THIS ISSUE
“It is not important How we come to the events in our lives, but how we Deal with those events”- Troy
This Month's Featured Article: What Advice Do You Have for Parents?
“The best inheritance a parent can give to his children is few minutes of their time each day.” M. Grundler
Every time I finish one of my presentations I am greeted by a sea of parents. Most of them are in search of the keys to keeping their children away from drugs and out of trouble. The remaining few don’t even need to speak. I can see the looks on their faces and know that they are the same looks that my parents wore so many years ago. They are wondering if it is already too late. My advice to all of them is always the same—keep an open line of communication by any means possible, make sure that your kids are fully educated on the subject, and beware of the “have to mentality” that might be making you take your eye off of that which is most important in your life. What does that mean? Let me tell you what not to do. Don’t wait until you find a joint in your kid’s bedroom and then say, “Smoking this stuff will make you stupid. You’re grounded.” Start talking to your kids about drugs early and often. I mean really early. Kids these days are exposed to drugs at a shockingly young age. I have had the benefit in my role as speaker to become involved with a program called DrugTalk.org. A visit to their website will reveal that current estimates place 84% of families with children at a moderate to high risk of drugs. And, while many parents think that their children are learning enough from the barrage of anti-drug campaigns that they see on television and hear at school, DrugTalk.org cites studies that point to one conclusive fact – nothing, including these multi-million dollar campaigns, has anywhere near the effectiveness of parental involvement through open communication. I would advise any parent to go to the site. They have a great deal of useful information and tools for both you and your kids to keep an open dialogue about drugs. If they don’t hear these things from you, they will get their “information” from their peers. If that peer is trying to get them to do the drug, I can guarantee you that it won’t be accurate. When I was being lured into the drug world, I heard it all… “You can’t get hooked from doing it once.” “Marijuana is harmless.” “Everyone smokes pot.” Once I bought into that sales pitch and became hooked myself, I started spinning it back out to the newbies with just as much certitude. There I was, hooked on the stuff, screwing my life up and telling my fellow classmates, my girlfriend, my friends, that drugs were completely safe and you couldn’t get hooked. This information is too important to trust to anyone else. Make the time to research the current drug trends, stay current on drug terminology and provide your kids with the absolute hard truth about what drugs will do to you. Don’t sugarcoat it. Show them how a pot smoker’s brain waves are changed by minimal use, show them pictures of meth users that have gaping wounds that they’ve inflicted on themselves because they thought there were bugs under their skin, show them the news reports of kids who will be in jail for the rest of their lives because they drank or used drugs and then drove. In short, show them the consequences of making the wrong choices in the most vivid detail that you can. Scare the pants off of them so that the decision is a no brainer and keep talking to them so that the message stays loud and clear. Once you’ve armed them with the information, help them learn the tools that they’ll need to battle the peer pressure that they’ll encounter. They need to have a response ready so that they can send a clear message when they are offered drugs. This will differ from kid to kid. Some will feel completely confident in telling their classmates that they think that drugs are about the dumbest choice that you can possibly make. For others, sometimes it’s nice to have parents for scapegoats—“No way. My parents study this stuff in their sleep and wait up for me. I’d be busted as soon as I walked through the door.” Next, make sure that the line of communication goes both ways. From the time that your kids are young, make a point of talking to them about their day. Know who their friends are, what they’re doing, and whose parents are good supervisors. If your kids are used to an open line of communication, they’ll be more inclined to share things with you as they get older and if they stop, you’ll have a warning sign. In earlier articles, I talked about conversations around the family dinner table. When I started to withdraw from our nightly conversations, you can bet my parents’ ears perked up. “Where did you go?” “Nowhere.” “What did you do?” “Nothing.” “Who were you with?” “Nobody.” Maybe you remember that conversation from your own teenage years. If you’re like most of the teens that have engaged in that dialogue, you know that if you weren’t forthcoming with the details, there was usually a good reason. If you have that discussion from the role of the parent, that is your cue to find new ways of getting your kids to open up. It won’t necessarily be easy. Your kids will accuse you of prying into their business, not trusting them, etc. In truth, they might never have given you a reason not to trust them. However, if their behavior is changing to become more secretive, and if they feel like they can’t let you in on that part of their lives, you owe it to your child to not take the easy path, but rather keep communicating until you know that your child has the tools that he or she needs to be safe. That brings me to one of the most unpopular suggestions that I make from one parent to another—give your kid a guarantee that they can tell you anything without being punished. You heard me, no yelling and screaming, no grounding, no taking the car away, no punishment. Trust me, as a parent, I know that this can be a horrible pill to have to swallow. You may end up hearing things you never wanted to hear—teenage sex, drinking, drugs, underage driving. Be prepared for the worst—the rule still applies. Does that mean you can’t be mad. No way. I can tell you I’ve had to leave the room once or twice to cool down before continuing a conversation with my own son. But, the important thing is that he feels like he can come to me with anything. The second part of that equation is that when your kid starts talking, everything else in the world ceases to exist. You have to be willing to put aside any distractions, and be completely in that moment with your child. If they are opening up to you, your reaction will speak volumes to that child. It will shape their perception of what their value is to you, whether your love is unconditional or may be withheld, and also whether you were being truthful with them when you said that they could come to you with anything. It is not enough to just make the deal. You have to follow through with it and make that moment the most important moment of your life. Your child should be treated to nothing less. I can’t tell you how many times, when I was first spinning out of control, that I would have loved to have felt like I could come to my family for help getting on the right path. I was trying to be noticed. I was trying to hit my father’s radar in some way, and I was utterly screwing my life up in the process. Of course, in those days, the general rule of parenting was to rule with a stern hand and make the punishment suit the crime. I don’t fault them for raising me in the same fashion that they had been raised. On the other hand, I had a choice and a unique perspective to take into consideration when it came time for me to start parenting my own child. Just because that had been the way for generations, did not mean that it was the best way. Will there be times when you want to ground your child until they’re able to file for social security? You bet. But, I am here to say, there will be a few moments in your child’s life when they don’t need the firm hand of discipline so much as guidance and the knowledge that you will always love them. Don’t fail them in those opportunities. That could be their pivotal point. My final words of advice on the subject are watch out for the “have to mentality” that might be keeping you from making the right decisions for your family. What is the “have to mentality?” It is the thought that you have no choice but to make the decision that you are making regardless of the results. It is the thought process that let’s you stop looking for a better solution and accept that decision that is most apparent. Let me spell it out for you. If you have a child who you feel is in real danger of falling into a world of drugs, crime etcetera, nothing should be more important in your life than finding an alternative that helps to protect them. I find that sometimes parents are so focused on the things that they think that they “have to do” or that they “can’t do” that they lose sight of the things that they absolutely need to do. It usually sound something like… “Can we discuss this later, I have to go to work.” “I know that my kid is hanging out with the wrong crowd, but I can’t just move, take him out of his school, monitor his every move, etc.” “I can’t take time off from work.” “I know it means more time away, but I have to take this promotion.” It is not hard to get caught up in our lives, our careers, and the have to aspect of our daily routines and lose site of the things that are truly important. Moreover, it is easy to let an “I can’t” be an excuse to drop the ball entirely. Here is my point, would you rather be late to work or take a sick day and know that you were there to hear your child’s cry for help, or have a spotless attendance record? Would you rather stay in a neighborhood or town where your child’s access to drugs is uninhibited, or find a better environment? (Don’t fool yourself, a wealthy neighborhood can be just as dangerous as the ghetto when it comes to access to drugs.) Would your promotion be as sweet if you knew that it was at the expense of your child’s wellbeing? Now let’s deal with the can’t issues. Maybe you feel that you truly cannot miss a day of work or move. First, are you absolutely sure? OK. If you are, then what are your other options? Who else might be able to help you reach your child? A mother, sibling, aunt, uncle, minister, teacher, who? How can you make more time to spend with your child when you are not at work? The point is, don’t assume that a “have to” is truly a “have to” and a “can’t” means that you have no options. It might mean making sacrifices, calling in favors, moving to a smaller, less expensive house, sacrificing a career move, but that’s the job you took when you had a child. If there is a choice, I urge you not to let the regret fall on the side of your child.
Read a
letter from a recent client - Click hear to read! I often had a hopeless feeling knowing that all I could offer were words of encouragement and support and the sharing of my own downfall....that was until I became partners with a company called DrugTALK. DrugTALK is a v1rtual life coach dedicated to helping families, parents and young people overcome the threat and dangers of drugs through the privacy of their home. They do this by delivering the insight, tools and activities needed for parents to protect their children by putting vital protection principles into practice, often without parents even realizing it. Their programs and tools are based on decades of research and supported by a dynamic team of communication experts, family intervention specialists, treatment professionals, narcotics intelligence officers, life coaches, parents and---most importantly---teens who have faced the world of drugs first-hand. The CEO of DrugTALK happened to attend one of my speaking engagements
and after talking I skeptically took one of his Drug Reference Guides
and a DVD. Having lived through the hell of drug abuse I had my whole
adult life been conv1nced that nothing short of expensive in-patient treatment
centers could break the hold that drugs have on our young people. After
thoroughly studying what DrugTalk has to offer I was blown away- I can
honestly say that h^d these tools been available to me during my teenage
years that I most likely would have avoided the hell I put myself and
family through.
Featured product for this issue! NEW HARDBACK BOOK -
If you live in or near one of the following cit1es where Troy will be speaking over the next few months, please contact The Ev^ns Groups for details on an opportunity that does not come around often- see Troy present for free!
Commission for booking me - I offer a comm1ssion of 10%-20% ($750.00-$1,500.00) for anyone who refers me for speaking engagements and/or bulk product sales. Please contact The Evans Group for details. Subscriber opinions and impressions of this electronic newsletter: I invite subscribers to write me with their quest1ons as well and I will answer them in the next issue. Also readers, I invite you to send in profiles of yourself and how you have used the inform^tion from my electronic newsletter, products or speech in your personal and/or professional lives. Once a month I will feature one individual for all others to read about!
Note: You are free to reprint any portion of this electronic newsletter as long as the portion remains complete and unaltered, and the “About the Author” section is included. About the Author- Troy Evans is a profess1onal speaker and author who resides in Phoenix, AZ with his wife Pam and his dog Archibald. Troy travels the country delivering keynote presentations, and since his release from prison has taken the corporate and association pl^tforms by storm. Overcoming adversity, adapting to change and pushing yourself to realize your full potential- other speaker’s talk about these issues, Troy has walked them.
|
| |||||||
         | |||||||
